“Baby, you’re like a knight from the Medieval Ages!”
- Kathy (Mo Collins) to boyfriend Fightin’ Ron (Michael McDonald), MAD TV (Fox)
By comparison to the essays of real-life college freshman distilled below, the works of historical parodists, such as Sellar and Yeatman’s classic 1066 and All That (1930), Paul Manning’s 1984 and All That from the latter year (“What caused the Wall Street Crash? Speculate wildly.”), Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States from 1989 (“The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named.”), and Craig Brown’s 1966 and All That from 2005*, however side-splitting themselves, had to be made up deliberately like a missed final exam, rather than sprung forth internal (as with the kneeling aftermath of a Friday-night kegger): not even the very blest stood-up commodians who shake our abdominable mussels with their hearty-joke arts are a match for eight teen-year-olds in the frost flush of taking on the pageant tree of Mod Urn you’re a pee in history:
A History of the Past:
‘Life Reeked With Joy’
by Anders Henriksson
Possibly as an act of vengeance, a history professor–compiling, verbatim, several decades’ worth of freshman papers–offers some of his students’ more striking insights into European history from the Middle Ages to the present.
History, as we know, is always bias, because human beings have to be studied by other human beings, not by independent observers of another species.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the “Home Town” of Christ) from the Islams [more]…
*Excerpts from 1966 and All That by Craig Brown:
from Chapter 17
The Spanish Civil War
The Spanish Civil War took place between (a) General Frankie Vaughan, the Spanish Florist leader and (b) a small but prestigious group of English and American authors. The authors included Earnest Humaway, author of For Whom the Kettle Boils.
from Chapter 23
The Berlitz
For a year, the Nazi War Machine bombarded London with Teach Yourself German pamphlets. This period came to be known as the Berlitz.
from Chapter 32
A New Elizabethan Age (2)
The Queen’s Coronation – exactly fifty years before her Golden Jubilee – took place in black-and-white, as colour was still strictly rationed…Meanwhile, an English athlete, Sir Roger Miles, became the first man to slide down a bannister in four minutes.
from Chapter 41
The Sixties Finally Get Going
By 1963, the 1950s had been going for nearly thirteen years. They might have continued for ever, but one day a wealthy entrepreneur called Albert Einstein happened to walk into a cavern in Liverpool and chanced upon the Sixties.
Standing on a stage no bigger than a shoebox were the Beatles, playing all the most famous Beatles songs, including ‘Love me Do’, ‘She Loves You’, ‘And I Love Her’, ‘All You Need Is Love From Me To You’, ‘She Can’t Buy Me Love Me Do’ and ‘I Feel I Want To Hold Your Hand And I Love Her From Me to All You Need Is Love Me Do’. The news of Einstein’s historic discovery soon reached London. Everyone was once again proud to be British and started to swing.
The Exam
5. What would have happened to Mick Jagger if he had been able to get satisfaction? Answer on both sides of the sheets.
The 1970s was a time of scandals, but Britain’s scandals were always bigger and better than America’s:
Waterbottle: A Minor American Scandal of No Importance
In America, Waterbottle was already very hot. President Richard M Nixon had secretly sent his plumbers over the road to fix a faulty waterbottle in a bedroom occupied by his rival, George McGovern, whom he suspected of having a made-up name to give him a better chance of winning.
This prompted two Hollywood journalists – Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman – to think that everything might not be quite as it should be. By running back and forth through their newspaper offices at great speed, they discovered that President Nixon’s middle name was Milhous, and that his plumbers (Bob the Handyman, Spiral Anew) had been overcharging.
Under pressure, Nixon threatened to appear before Congress in peach. This prompted a public outcry, and he resigned. His successor was Gerald Ford, an Unmemorable President. On being told he was now President, Ford coughed politely and continued with his round of golf.
Our extracts from Craig Brown’s 1966 And All That continues with the 1980s, when Britain regained her sense of ambition. From now on, she would no longer be the poor man of Europe: she would be the poor man of the world
British Inventors Rue the World
The Sinclair C5 was an entirely new type of vehicle, part scooter, part wheelie-bin. It was called after its British inventor Sir C5, who brilliantly designed it to indicate external weather conditions to the driver by automatically toppling over in high winds. Only a few people ever bought one, which made it even more exclusive. By the end, the C5 was so exclusive that they stopped making it.
Another great British world-beater of the time was the DiLegal motorcar, exclusively manufactured in Belfast by John DiLegal. It was cleverly designed so that when you opened the door, the roof came off, and when you opened the roof, the engine exploded. Building exploding cars was what the British did best.
Back Holes
The bestselling book of the decade was The Time History of Briefs by Stephen Hawking. It sought to explain many baffling mysteries associated with the history of briefs such as Back Holes and the Big Bulge, and presented a unifying theory of the Y-front.
Do briefs run backwards? How short is a boxer? Is the elastic infinite? Can you glimpse a guiding hand behind your briefs? The book offered an explanation for the whole of creation. But, sadly, no one ever got to the end so it remains a mystery.
Shake That Biddy
Inspired by the Jane Fondle Work-out Video, ordinary decent Britons took to putting on skin-tight leopards and shaking their bodies up and down to discontent music. Many dancers wore bulbous “leg-warmers” to make the rest of their bodies look slimmer. Soon, everyone was on a diet plan. Fashionable diets included:
F-plan Diet: fibre-based, with plenty of roughage such as bran and baked beans.
F-word Diet: foul language-based, with plenty of rough words such as damn and b**** b****s.
G-plan Diet: furniture-based, with plenty of angular sofas for a healthier lifestyle.
H-bomb Diet: mushroom-based, boosting flatulence for those who like to let off steam.
Y-front Diet: pant-based, for all-over body comfort.
And, never one to slumber through the ribtickler’s main chance when it presents itself, Brown got a jump on a post-apocalyptic successor to his mirth-day present, as he tuned in later in 2005 to newsreaders on the telly from the not-too-distant future as they satisfy the public’s Rite 2 No in covering the unfolding End of the World as We Know It – while “feeling fine” enough to turn to Weather and Sport as in days of old: from The End of the World (Part 1) and The end of the world (continued):
JOHN:… expect “at least” another half a million dead by this time Tuesday week. And now over to Gillian with the weather.
Gillian: Thanks, Jim. The Met Office is warning that heavy showers and torrential thunderstorms are liable to cause tidal waves around the M25, possibly exiting at Junction 16.
John: Whatever happened to the good old tidal wave? These days, it’s all “tsunami”-this and “tsunami”-that. With me in the studio is Professor Anna Larm from the Institute of Imminent Threats. Professor Larm, your new study suggests that the human race is only likely to survive until just after lunchtime today. Depressing news for those people who may have long-term plans, then?
Professor Larm: Good morning, Jim.
John: That’s as maybe. But what about the afternoon? You remain convinced we are all going to perish by tea-time?
Professor Larm: That’s certainly the message in my new book…
John:… published next week?
Professor Larm: Yes…
Jim: And now over to Steve with the sports news.
Steve: Thanks Jim. Racing: and according to the chairman of the Federation of Nervous Wrecks, there is a good chance that up to 95 per cent of race horses will succumb to a new strain of AGB, or always going backwards disease, when it arrives in the country the day after tomorrow, fresh in from Malaga. As a result, it looks increasingly likely that all major races will be run in reverse, with jockeys forced to sit back-to-front on their horses. And so to ice hockey: there was disappointment yesterday as a major-league game was altered at the last minute to a fully dressed swimming championship as a result of global warming…
I read something like this years ago, but these in particular are all new to me. My favorite from v. 1.0 was, “Magellan circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.”
“Magellan circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.”
That line is quite deservedly popular, I see. The world must have winced a bit when feeling snippy just then and unswellin’ with Magellan, though given the tiny proportions of clipper to globe, thank heaven for light trims, said Mother Earth, who turns out to be a she-male – or hermomphordad – after all…
Post updated with further extracts from 1966 and All That by Craig Brown.
Awesome! We have every, I believe, Anguished English book. Just love this stuff.
I did my first two years of undergrad at a Penn State extension school. The level of knowledge among the freshman was shocking. On the first day of my first English course, or whatever it was called, the prof had us write a short essay. she collected them and then passed them back out randomly to be graded by students in the class. We each graded two papers. The first essay I read was a single run on sentence of about 300 words. No punctuation anywhere. The spelling? Awful. The second had sentences and paragraphs, big step up, though the spelling remained abysmal. Remembering that day, I am sure that the professor is not just making this stuff up.
BTW, thanks for the Wilson Quarterly piece. When we get home, will see if we can get it on the Kindle. Am finishing the Boyd bio and ordered Cowen’s book.
Steve
Steve
“BTW, thanks for the Wilson Quarterly piece. When we get home, will see if we can get it on the Kindle. Am finishing the Boyd bio and ordered Cowen’s book.”
Right up your alley, said I of the WQ. Is “the Boyd bio” the 2002 work by Robert Coram listed in the references to the Wikipedia article on Boyd? That photo of Boyd reminds me of someone from the moving pictures or the telly perhaps, but I can’t quite place whom just yet. Perhaps Murray Hamilton with a touch of John Hurt?
I just received this link from a friend, who sent it to me exactly like a nasty person wouldn’t have bothered to send it to me.
Thank you indeed, word, those were priceless, and tempted me to reprint one after another. Instead, Gentle Reader of this comment, I suggest urgently you take two minutes to savor the whole lot. They defy my powers to emulate.
Scott-Yes, it is the Coram book. Went over a bunch of reviews and it seemed the best. Interesting so far.
Steve
I could imagine this one under credible consideration for use in an episode of Sex and the City:
“Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like ’second tall man’.”