Crushing Striker, Hidden Dagger, or, The Frugal Gore Mayhem

Grim Reaper Toilet Brush: The impressive details located on the skull head and handle are amazingly well defined.

Only 201 Chopping Days Till †mas: Submitted below, in living color and for your select delectation, a lovingly-assembled treasury of thoughtful self-preservative stocking-stuffers for everyone on your list, whether budding James Bonds and Wests, and Indiana Joneses among the lads, or Arkaeologist arty-chick hearts, aka Indie Anna-Janes from the distaff, courtesy of the way-kewl folks at TrueSwords.com, with whom my connection extends no further than that of Zevonesque excitable-boy armchair fantasias of vanquishing  the divers ninjahadeen, who,  scholars remind us, are forbidden by sacred protocol from attacking lone victims other than in sporting-samurai single-file seriatim.

Unlike with the defensive use of the tools themselves, I do hope you have occasion to use this post, and place orders with True Swords: forty-five years after my first hounding of my mother to save cereal boxtops so I might order a kazoo, and I have yet to discover mortal pleasures bidding fair to rival in their powers of giddy optic-cranial-rollback delirium those afforded me reliably by catalog shopping by mail order.

All prices are popular, many under $10, and all catalog copy excerpted here, like the items themselves, has been honed and filed for maximum impact (images are linked), with many popular items linked to customer reviews. I have left for others to peruse the hundreds of more specialized and outlandish items designed for the martial arts, manga and multiplex crowd, and mutant ninjas of all ages and taxonomic slots up and down the zoologic registers, aquatic, amphibious and landlocked alike.

I have included at bottom two budget-line mini-knives from the highly-regarded high-end bladerunner Spyderco.

Check your local state law regarding concealed carry of striking and slashing weapons, and blade lengths. Find the tools that best fit your unique needs and lifestyle, always fight back when attacked with any available means so long as they are effective, practice world without end to mastery and “muscle memory”, and remember that without mental and moral preparedness, strength of mind and character, material preparedness alone won’t help you at all when your attacker comes at you armed with a pomegranate, and you have the proverbial dagger up the strap but are paralyzed by fear of the pineapple down your windpipe…

Post is for entertainment purposes only, and may not be construed as legal advice, or reproduced without the express written consent of the Commissioner of Baseball, as recorded in a signed affidavit kept in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls porch since noon today: nobody, nobody knows what is in this post, save for you, Dear Reader(s on a good day), in your infinite and borderline wisdom. Close cover before striking, and don’t crush that dwarf – hand me the pliers.

I’ll let my favorite philosopher of self-defense and student of the martial and marital arts, Reader Jeff, have the last word, as emailed in response to a tragic rogue-chimp (first typed “chomp”, unwittily enough) attack over four years ago:

always, ALWAYS, carry a freakin knife.  it’s the easiest thing in the world and its legal almost everywhere.  what if you’re walking down the street and some freakin dog chomps on you?

how much do freakin chimps weigh any way? jee-sus christ.

And now the blogger, having long since tired of Plowboy centerfolds (having found the offerings of the Pillsbury

Ploughboy - -  HM-HM! – far more to his taste), at last beats his words into swords:

Unusual keychain packs a mighty punch! The eyes of the cat  become finger holes and the ears become spikes.

What makes this stun gun so unique is the handy size.

Render even the most aggressive attacker dazed, passive, and immobilized for several minutes.

This pen may not write, but it…[is] instantly effective on people under the influence of alcohol and narcotics.

Sabre Red incapacitates the attacker for up to 1 hour. The effects are immediate.

This item can be wielded as defense baton, as a sword alone or with the shaft as a parry or striking weapon, or as a spear .

This defensive keychain unscrews to reveal a hidden 420 stainless steel blade .

The same, in brass .

Sap Cap: The secret of this hat  is a pocket of unique impact material that is 100% the density of lead.

With an overall profile no larger than a credit card, this knife  can be concealed just about anywhere.

Elite Forces Thrust Dagger: this unique blade design  can serve many roles.

Elite Forces Push Dagger : double-edged blade with central finger hole.

Elite Forces Mini-Push Dagger : a popular blade design that can have several uses.

The next six knives bear the following annotation:

How are Spring Assist different from a Gravity Knife or Switchblade Knife?

Gravity or Switch Blade knives feature a button, level, or other type of switch that releases a spring pressure to automatically open the blade. On a Spring Assist knife, there is no separate button or switch. Instead, you apply pressure to part of the blade to begin the opening process. This is usually a small bump of metal which sticks out under the knife, making it fast and comfortable to use. Once you press on that part of the blade, it automatically opens and locks into place. Since the action of opening the knife is started by pressing the blade metal, instead of a button or switch, it is considered to bypass the laws which ban Switch Blade knives.

Spring Assist – ‘Legal Automatic’ Knife – Ripple Effect : Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts. The Ripple Effect spring assist knife is a fast, large, and stylish tactical folder.

Spring Assist – ‘Legal Automatic’ Knife – Rescue Window Breaker : First of its kind spring assist rescue tech knife. In addition to the all steel construction and black coated blade, this knife features a seat belt cord cutter and window breaker. Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts.

Spring Assist – Pearl Pistol Grip Auto Knife : Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts. The Pearl Pistol Grip spring assist knife is a fast, large, and stylish tactical folder. The curved handle design provides a tight and comfortable grip.

Spring Assist – Carbon Fiber Fast Action Knife : Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts. The carbon fiber spring assist knife with black blade is a fast, large, and stylish tactical folder.

Spring Assist – ‘Legal Automatic’ Knife – SWAT Tanto Fighter : Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts. The Tanto Fighter spring assist knife with black blade is a fast, large, and stylish tactical folder.

Spring Assist – ‘Legal Automatic’ Knife – SWAT Diamond Dagger : Fast action spring assist knives give you a tactical advantage when every second counts. The Diamond Dagger spring assist knife with black blade is a fast, large, and stylish tactical folder.

Cat-O-Nine Tails Genuine Leather Whip: traditional favorites  for a wide variety of uses.

Caution! Do not attempt this sauce  unless You Are The Man! Full of Naga Jolokia chile pepper, the hottest pepper in the world.

It looks like an ordinary hairbrush , but the handle is actually a highly effective stiletto dagger!

The kunai is not a knife, but something more akin to a wrecking bar.

Ninja Folding Grappling Hook : Featured in WIRED Magazine December 2006 Issue “30 under 30″ Best Holiday Gifts!

Cold Steel Delta Dart : light enough to be tied, tucked, or taped just about anywhere on one’s person.

The Cruciform Dagger has a carefully designed 3 1/2” long Stiletto blade and a 1/2” thick cruciform cross section that tapers to a needle-like point.

18″ Predator Blowgun – Black .40 caliber : features a dart quiver, 10 sharp coned darts and an anti-inhale mouthpiece which prevents darts from being swallowed. Pick up a couple and have hours of fun target practicing.

Absolutely beautiful. Musashi’s samurai fan  with custom designed bamboo construction adds a whole new dimension to your sword collection and display.

An intense full tang ninja fighter knife package !

For centuries the sword cane  has been a dependable source of comfort for gentlemen as a means of self-defense and support for late night strolls… Twist the handle to expose the 12 3/8” stainless steel blade.

Add life to your next presentation, with 42 different lasers .

Powerful laser beam  shooting an amazing 300 yards…2 hour constant operation time.

This 11-function pocket multi-tool  is stainless steel constructed.

This outstanding knife rates above all others for its unique design. Hang it on your keychain and it looks like a silver leaf . Open it and its a useful knife with a 2″ mirror polished blade.

Objects, people, guns, steering wheels, doors, and more remain easily accessible while holding this knife! This innovative piece  by American designer Adams Miltner offers extraordinary user safety. With its Top Grip construction, this knife is 100% safe in your hand, in any situation. The handle design allows the user to open their hand in order to grab or hold another object, without the risk of losing the knife.

Cold Steel Urban Pal: should be standard equipment for survival in today’s urban jungle. At less than half an ounce, it’s perfectly at home in a pocket or purse and can be easily attached to a key ring, or hung around the neck. With a 1 1/2″ long blade , it’s big enough to get the job done and its unique handle allows you to really put your weight into its point or edge.

Steel dragon necklace: tug on his twisted tail and voila! You are now holding a piercing blade  that fits in the palm of your hand.

Secret Agent Sword Full Tang : sleek stylish look with easy maneuverability.

Skull Knife Tactical Necklace Defense : sure to come in handy!

Slim Jim Car Lock Pick Tool : very hard to find on the public marketplace.

Shovit Car Lock Pick Tool : ditto.

SPYDERCO KNIVES

Spyderco Bug : Like bumblebees, Spyderco Bugs perform unexpectedly. The Bug, not much larger than a bee, is our latest addition. Last year Spyderco started offering SLIPITS which are non-locking slip-joint knives. They have no locking mechanism holding the blade open, relying instead on resistant pressure at the pivot area when the blade is extended and being used…The Bug is the smallest folder in our lineup.

Spyderco Swick : Palm-sized, the fixed-blade’s skeletal handle comes without handle scales. This allows the user to create/add a personalized handle or cord wrap. Unique to the model is the index finger hole, a Perrin feature. Placing the index finger through the hole keeps the knife retained in grip, freeing up fingertips to grasp while holding the knife in a cut-ready position.