“Yeah, I AM that guy from the a-ha video.”

Morten Harket, Norway's Hoff

As Russell and I navigated Disturbathon last Saturday, we ran into a friend of his whose almost-Halloween apparel seemed vaguely familiar, yet just beyond my grasp of recognition.

Russell realized it first: “Are you supposed to be dressed up like the guy from the a-ha video?”

“Yeah, I’m the motorcyclist who chases the singer around with a wrench!”

(Marker 2:15)

 

I wasn’t sure which was worse — that my boyfriend recognized this or that his friend engineered the ensemble (or that I loved it). I tried to dig up some images for comparison throughout this week, but couldn’t find much of anything featuring a-ha’s moto-guy by himself. What I did manage to dredge up monopolized seven hours of my life that’ll never be recovered. It also drove me bats and left me with a rotten headache. 

Wikipedia, aka MySpace for (Dis)Information, seemed like the right place to start searching for a link to a cheesy website, most likely hosted by some guy in the Netherlands who not only owned the original cels for the “Take on Me” video, but also had them autographed by the band and actors. That’s what I was hoping for at least after wading through a thick Google search full of schtuff about the American Heart Association. No dice on the rabid fan pics, BUT I did learn a-ha chose its original recording studio because it had its own Space Invaders. A few sites later, I discovered  Morten Harket, lead singer, is David Hasselhoff’s Scandinavian doppelganger. You know you’re destined for successful longevity amongst internet nerds and screaming girls alike when you mix that Space Invaders/Hasselhoff cocktail. 

Also during my unintentional a-ha marathon, I unearthed veritable YouTube gold. By “gold” I mean this: I can’t believe there are ninety gazillion trabillion wazillion really b.a.d. covers of “Take on Me.” And where exactly was I during this madhouse — in a coma, suffering from amnesia, held captive and heavily sedated? You’d think I’d remember the likes of The Chipmunks, mXpX, Big Reel Fish, and the friggin’ Jonas Brothers cranking out that Mariah Carey, driving-the-dogs-crazy note at the end of the song’s chorus, right? The track even appears on Guitar Hero for crying out loud. Evidently, the topic merits closer investigation because an awful lot of my digital netherworld seems to be clogged up with this ball of wax. 

I’ll make this first one easy on you. This guy nails it, albeit in a very Erasure-y, Heath Ledger kinda cowboy way. 

From this point forward, you should note the keyboard solo in the middle of the track is always the best part of the cover. Always. I can’t blame these guys because, really, what the hell are you supposed to do during that weirdness — especially after you’ve already made an ass of yourself. In the case of Cowboy Hat Guy, he actually takes the opportunity to demonstrate his Shiatsu technique, I think/hope. Whatever, I liked him and don’t view him as a general threat to humanity, so he gets five a-has from me.

At some point, I believe a-ha pissed off their Viking Gods, who, in turn, punished the band with black metal versions of its own music. 

By default, I think we’re all punished here. What’s best about this version by the Italian group Sadist is the YT description provided by someone who is apparently Sadist’s numero uno fan. He says, “This song is a bonus track on their 3rd album ‘Crust’ (*but only for Japanese Edition).” In other words, Japanese “Crust” holders, it’s your lucky day! Time to sell that baby for 2.98 US dollars on the ‘Bay. I don’t know about the rest of the album, but I’ll give Sadist’s YT cover four a-has. Eh, better make that three and a half because Prosthetic, Swedish black metal technicians, have a leg-up on the cookie monster vox :

Okay, wait. Maybe this guy is a better cookie monster-er? I’m losing it in the vast sea of a-ha, ME-TUHL rock hands, but hey, give the guy two pairs of a-has for the extra editing effort:

So, if you’re breathing, chances are you’re also a DJ, yeah? 

Okay, this mash-up between Fiddy Cent and a-ha is a great example of the sort of thing that’s ruined a lot of evenings for a lot of folks. Post it on YouTube? Fine. Behind the booth getting paid to hurt people’s ears with it? Not fine. 50 Cent probably would have more to say about this, but I’ll just leave it at: one a-ha, only because I don’t think I could have done any better.

After forcing Russell to overhear the entire Fiddy/Take on Me mash-up, I felt guilty. Therefore, I’d like to extend a ukulele-ized redemption offering in his honor:

I want to say the Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra made the entire search worthwhile. Truly. Then again, I’m thinking in terms of a-ha cover songs vs. half a day of my life. That said, I’d pay to see WIUO, but I’m not planning on bragging about how I discovered their uke’n and lele’n. They get an a-ha for each string, plus one extra just for not being Swedish black metal.

Fun fact: a-ha did not perform the frilliest version of its 1980-whatever hit “Take on Me”. That honor goes to A1, a real white bread, Stepford likening of Menudo. 

(Oh, ack. Embedding isn’t allowed on this one, but you can follow it here.)

If that video seemed a little off, that’s because it was really A1 with something called “Vision Divine” dubbed over. If I’d posted the legitimate version with the boy band vocals, you’d be hanging posters of George Michael on your walls and calling hair gel “product”. I’m giving A1 and VD both two a-has, and, yes, I hate them because they’re beautiful.

a-ha’s world domination doesn’t end with singing. In truth, I believe it ends with dancing, and the aforementioned discussion regarding the keyboard solo holds weight in this arena as well.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone dance like a cross between Molly Ringwald and Belinda Carlisle. Where do these people cut loose in public — because I need to start going there. I’m gonna profile this woman based on her performance. Ready? Alright: Multi-vitamin addict who’s a member of the Unitarian fellowship. She loves the beach and more specifically early morning workout programs which take place on a beach. She is related to John Lyden, formerly of the Sex Pistols and P.I.L., and how do I know this? Because she has Johnny Rotten Crazy Eyes. That’s how. Dancing Lady isn’t married, but she has a Pom she likes to dress up. Oh, and she collects Barbie stuff. You know I’m right. I’m giving her four and a half a-has to keep her company in her loneliness. I’d give her five, but I’m afraid she’d get excited, and one of her eyes might pop out.

Now, there are a lot of reasons I am glad Al Gore had yet to invent the internet when I was a wee Kristan — the largest reason being I would have wasted no time in cranking out a record number of stuff like this: 

As a tween’s mom, I am particularly fond of this variety of self-incriminating embarrassment because it allows me the opportunity fifteen years from now to point out that I wasn’t the source of humiliation after all. It is also important to note these girls disclosed their post was the “unofficial video” lest anyone is fooled. Very thorough: a-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha (that’s five).

Even celebrities can’t escape the urge:

Kanye, pleez. (Five a-has for the nerve of it, heh.)

All kidding aside, this has been a painful experience. I can’t get that keyboard solo out of my head. It’s on an endless, migraine-inducing loop. Over and over again. Still, I learned a lot about myself, e.g., the exact length I am willing to travel in order to qualify internet slacking as “research”. I also learned a lot about a band to which I never really planned upon devoting wrinkles of cerebral space. Before yesterday, I didn’t know Morten Harket was Morten Harket or that black metal is to a-ha like bears are to leather. I feel enlightened.

For the record (and out of politeness for being the subject of my extreme sarcasm), a-ha really does the best version of their own song. 

And this is what I love about music. Ten a-has. Another ten for the charanguito guys who play to live and vice versa.

Most importantly, thanks, a-ha Motorcycle Wrench Guy. Great costume, pfft. Did you lose something?

Your scarf?